How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
