you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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