I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
