Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
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Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
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i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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