you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
