apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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