Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
