dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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