We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.