I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.