Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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