Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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