i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
