my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
