You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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