if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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