im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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