I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
