He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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