Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
