I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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