Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
