i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
