Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
