you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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