oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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