We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
