He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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