Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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