he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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