Pants 0. Shit 1.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
