well I can't set my house on fire every night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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