I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
