While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
