the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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