I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
