I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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