apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
