Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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