I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
