Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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