Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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