im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
