I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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