I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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