i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
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"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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