guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
