i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
