**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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