no, he came in my armpit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
