I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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