I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
