I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
