We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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