I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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