take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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