ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
