Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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